My best friend of nearly 20 years just recently had her first baby. Now, I am no longer the only one in my friend group / close family to be on a newly postpartum journey. I was so excited to welcome this new life into the world especially just fresh from my own postpartum journey. To me, it is an opportunity to show up for my best friend while also healing my own postpartum trauma. I want to be the support system I didn’t have.
I came over with chicken noodle soup, banana bread, and a requested smoothie from a local place nearby to visit my newly postpartum friend. We got to chatting and I realized that there are so so many communal postpartum experiences, one being the “Sundown Scaries”. A phenomenon where you get intense feelings of doom and anxiety usually early evening / late afternoon. This is usually because the fear of the dreaded night time with a newborn, the waking up every 2 hours to feed and the intense sleep deprivation. This is so common among newly postpartum moms and I was there to reassure her that it will pass and she will get through it.
She confided in me about her traumatic birth story ending with an emergency C-section, haemorrhaging, and a few days in the NICU for baby. We shared tears and laughs trying to make light of the situation, but trauma can’t be forgotten with a few giggles. She told me she took to Tik Tok for comfort, in stories of other moms who had similar experiences, including the “Sundown Scaries”.
I realized while chatting, that there is an intense lack of support for postpartum mothers in our society. We are so removed from it that we take to social media to feel any sense of comfort or normality. While social media can be extremely useful in these situations, it made so sad to know that we are only looking to screens for comfort. In indigenous cultures around the world, women from the entire community would gather for a birth of a new baby. The baby and mother would be surrounded by matriarchs in their community offering support and guiding them through their journey. Mothers would have a period of rest for up to 40 days, being supported by women in the community who would come together to cook and support the new mother in her journey postpartum. We are so far away from that in our society.
We expect women, some having been through the most traumatic experience of their lives, to get up and get on with it. After major abdominal surgery and heavy doses of trauma, they sent my friend away home saying good luck and how fortunate you are. They tell us if baby and mom are healthy that’s all that matters, dismissing the intense trauma induced. Yes, we can absolutely be grateful to have a new life in the world and be grateful for good health, but we should also be showing up and helping mothers heal from their experiences.
I hope that I can at least give my friend that support of another mom in the community gathering together to help heal and be there for advice or just to listen. I hope that we can spread this support to more of our friends if they begin their postpartum journey. I think the best way to heal is by showing up for yourself and others.
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